Friday, January 23, 2009

It won't make sense

This is coming out all wrong. How do I expect to write about other people when I can't even put my own thoughts on the stupid screen.

I'm going to live my whole life trying to find what it is that makes me happy and end up being miserable the whole way through.

I don't recognize this person I've become. A person who questions everything, who is scared to go out on a limb, who doesn't believe in the ability she used to think was her talent. A person who dreams the dreams of someone else because hers are dying.

I miss Jesus. I miss the peace He provides. I miss church and the fellowship it provides. I've let myself travel along a path without the constant direction from God and now I'm so lost I can't find my way back.

Is this a part of His plan? The hopelessness, the despair, the failure?

6 comments:

Dr. Erin and Mr. Heath said...

Oh, sweet friend. I wish I knew the words to say to make you feel complete and whole and happy right now. I don't think that despair and hopelessness are part of His plan - but I do think that we need to feel His absence (by our own choice, not His) to really appreciate Him and the security He provides. I love you and wish I could give you a big hug right now.

charitynacole said...

Courtney- I've been dealing with this the last couple of years too. And I wish I had some divine words or wisdom for you, but I do not, however I have found comfort in the Bible and friends in faith and also I have been reading a couple of books; one is Priscilla Schrier's "Jewel in HIS Crown" which I LOVE and has a workbook/journal also and the other book is part of the "Walking by Faith" Bible study. I hope you dung what you are searching for and I will pray that you do. -Charity

charitynacole said...

* find * what you are looking for

Beka Bullard said...

I promise that the way back is so much easier than you think. Much easier than the time and pain it took to get to where you are now. It is not at all as hard as it seems, and you are closer than you think if you are even able to put those feelings into words...that is a HUGE step. You know I am always here for you and I am so glad we got to hang out last night. Love you so much!!

Jenn said...

I'm not sure of what has been going on in your life. Just know that I miss you and I will pray for you. Love Jenn

Team Long said...

Courtney- You are never too far to come back to Jesus. You know I had travled the wrong path for a while then after Tucker came went running back and he was there with open arms. He loves you so much that he was willing to die for you! I'm sure you are being a lot harder on yourself then he or anybody else would be! I will be praying for you. Keep seeking his face!